September 28, 2008

Facing Ghosts

Most of us have ghosts we try to hide from. And not the haunt your house, makes curtains blow when the windows are closed type of ghosts. I am talking flesh and blood ghosts. Chances are said ghost is someone you've dated. It ended and, because you have issues, they - or the situation - haunts you to no end. Sometimes for years.

I have four of these ghosts: TL, WT, EJJ, BJ. For whatever reasons, these four men are men I continue to speak highly of but, for whatever reason, couldn't let myself go with them. TL proposed and, though, I thought he was great, I froze on his ass. WT was the bomb, albeit a tad jealous and crazy. I couldn't allow myself to really connect with him. With EJJ I felt totally comfortable. But he asked me to pack up and leave with him and I couldn't do it. Got myself a tatto that reads "Live for today" to remind me to overcome the fear that holds me back. I still don't listen to it. And BJ...well, I lied to him, told him I could never fall for him, etc. etc.

And here I stand. Well, sit. Because I am typing. But you know what I mean.

Lately, I've had this feeling that my ghosts were going to catch up with me. I can't explain it. But it's a mixture of deja vu and overwhelming fear. I don't like. So I decided to reach out to these ghosts, one by one. And beat them to the punch. I don't even know what beating them to the punch means, but I am going to try to do it.

So I contacted TJ. He's on the other side of the country. But, thanks to my good friend the Internet, I was able to find him and contact him. He even hit me back. So far our convo has been very polite. And I don't know what I want/need to say to him. I am just hoping that when the time is right, the words will come.

I am going out with EJJ tonight. He lives outside the country but happens to be in town for a few weeks. Again, not sure what I need to learn here but I am trying my best to pay attention.

2 ghosts down, 2 to go.

Rub a kitty's belly and wish me luck.


Luvvie (aka Queen IG) said...

AAAWWW!! U sound like you're growing up (hehe).

And hey, you never know. You facing those ghosts could bring you closure or can begin a journey that you didn't think you were ready for but be beneficial.

Intellectual Hedonist said...

good luck facing your ghosts. It looks like you are headed in the right direction, confronting them head on, maybe you will just find out that you made the right choice at the right time. None the less, good luck

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