She Needs to Stick With Her Cat

I can honestly say: I have never dated a guy for his "stuff". I'm not one who gets off on what a guy has: his car, his house, whatever. I truly believe that if you can't get it for yourself it ain't meant for you to have and you shouldn't try to cop somebody else's ish.

That said, I have dated guys who have had "stuff". A boat, a BMW, a Range Rover, etc. But I met them in places where I chatted them up a bit, got to see their personalities long before I saw the stuff. The dude with the boat I met at Target. Met the Beamer owner walking down the street. The dude who pimped the Range: met him at a reggae club.

I've also dated guys who didn't have a lot of stuff: a struggling musician, a graduate student, a DJ (not the stalker one. This DJ is still my boy!). Two of these dudes I met at the aforementioned reggae club (what can I say?). The other, at a Harold's Chicken. South side!

All this to say: I meet men and size them up based on their approach: are they witty? Can they make me laugh in the first sixty seconds? Can they say something that sparks my intellect? (And, let's be real: I check the visual, too!).

These are the things I value. "Stuff" doesn't it do it for me.

Now, just because I'm not a paper chaser or a car booty, doesn't mean I knock others who are. Do you. If you wanna dig a guy for his loot, that's on you.

I just ask that you be good at it. Don't be THIS chick.

Gold Digging FAIL | Dlisted

In the history of gold diggers, this chick has to be the worst. ever.

In short, she married a billionaire and left him because he wanted to have sex with her. The pre-nup was iron-clad: if she walked away, she got nothing.

She is quoted as having said "I just could not believe what he wanted me to do. He'd lean over while we were watching TV and grope me. That's not how married couples behave. He expected a feel of tit whenever he wanted, French-kiss him constantly and parade around the house in sexy underwear."

She's 24, he's 85. Did she think he was marrying her for her sparkling conversation and wit? NO. He married her because she had perky boobs. And I'm not buying the whole "I loved him bit". Yeah...love can conquer a lot. But I am extremely doubtful that it can conquer an almost 60 year age difference.

Here's the real: she thought she'd play this old dude for his cash but he ended up being more than she bargained for. Ashamed that she failed at gold digging, she's using the 'love' excuse. She needs to play in traffic because that story is about as believable as Queen Latifah telling the world her 'girlfriend'* is her 'trainer' (ummm...Queen, you've been with her for some time now and your body looks the same. What kind of workout are you doing?)

It's clear ol' Kristin isn't the brightest bulb in the box. She could have gone about things much differently and succeeded in her gold digging plan. A smarter woman would have:

Worked the lingerie angle and let him grope a boob now and then, she could have possibly avoided sex with him. If he was still insistent on getting busy, she could have poured them both a glass wine to 'set the mood'. Wine makes old people sleepy. If that didn't work, and he was still insistent, she could have chased her wine with a few shots of whiskey, taken a few tokes** and just suffered through it. How long could it have lasted? He's 80-freaking 5! Viagra can only do so much.

Had Kristin been bout it, she'd be living like a princess. Yes, the thought of having sexual relations with an 85 year old man when you yourself are well below the age of 70 is gross. That's why young people do not and should not marry really old people.

But if you're gonna go for the loot, you gotta go all out. In this case, she half-assed it and is now back at square one: living with her mother. It's a sad tale, really. And I know that, out there somewhere, there is a TRUE gold digger who is 'bout that loot, telling her friends what SHE would have done if ole Grandaddy Warbucks came knocking at her door.

So friends, what are your thoughts on Ms. Kristin? On gold diggers in general? If you're a guy, can you spot a gold digger? What are the signs? Also, gentlemen: have you ever dated a woman for her stuff? I'd like to know.

While I wait for your responses, I'll busy myself preparing Ms. Kristin's "Girl...stick wit yo cat" award. I will be sending it Federal Express, along with half a brain and a nut sack I found in the garbage.



*Gay or straight, she'll always be The Queen to me.
**This is why marijuana should be legal.

Why Chicks Get Dumped

I have two brothers, one older and one younger. Over the years, they have unknowingly taught me valuable lessons about male/female relationships. Specifically: what not to do if you want to keep your man. I am in a generous mood so I will share a few of these tips.

My older brother cites two main reasons for ending his 10-year relationship with his common law wife/mother of his two children. He always cites them in the same order, as follows:

1. His beloved dog died, while in her care, while he was on vacation. The dog was a pit bull and, though his name was Satan spelled backwards, he was a docile pup, one who believed himself to be a poodle. While on a trip home to New Orleans, he left the dog with his woman. She, being slightly retarded (can you tell I never liked her?) took this dog to a friend's house. This friend had a pit bull also. A male. Any one with a squirrel's brain knows this is a recipe for disaster. The younger dog (Natas was 10) basically mauled my brother's four legged child. To make matters worse, his hood chick didn't even tell him till he got home the dog had died. Lesson: if your man leaves you with something he truly values, guard it with your life. It is a test. If you fail, it will seal your fate.

2. He'd come home from work and the kids would be in stained tees eating Ramen noodles from the tray on their strollers. My brother worked while his chick went back to school for her R.N. degree. She got home most days around 3. He got in just after 6. He was always disgusted to come home to see the fruits of his loins dirty and eating high sodium packaged foods. He could not take the fact that the living room was a mess. He knew she had classes but didn't understand why she couldn't pick up some shit and clean up the kids and give them real food for dinner. Lesson: a man likes a woman who takes care of business. Your kids are your business. Take care of them. Taking care of your kids also means making sure they are not running around in a filthy living room.***Side note: my brother now has full custody of these kids. ***

Not sure what it says about my brother that he ALWAYS mentions the dog incident before the unfed/dirty kids issue, but he ended this long-standing relationship, by his own admission, for these reasons. And, in true "why'd you hook up with that chick, ruining our good family name" fashion, she retaliated by breaking into and vandalizing his house.

Things did end up happily: my brother has been in a relationship for the last 3 years with a woman who also has two sons, who made Easter basket for his kids, complete with cotton ball bunny tails and whose kids are clean, well-behaved and well-fed. We even got a surprise nephew out of the deal (these fools are old enough to know betta but, hey, a baby is a blessing).

Learn from other's mistakes or you too will become a resident of Dumpsville. If you are allergic to learning shit and acting right, get yoself a cat.