Takes one to know one...right?

I've come to the conclusion that I must be some sort of sexual deviant. A freak, if you will.
How else would you explain the fact that I've met and, somehow, unknowingly encouraged two men, in less than a year, to whip out their Johnson's in my car, begging me to watch them jack off? Read about the first, here.

After all, like attracts like. Right?

Let's back up a bit...

I'm chillin' at my favorite spot with my BFF. In walks Los and his big mouth. I didn't recognize him. He comes over to say 'hello' and I respond "Who are you?". He reminded me and asked why I hadn't returned his calls that evening.

I guess if I had, I'd have been there with him because he was not alone: he was on some sort of double date. No big deal, considering I haven't actually gone out with him at all. After the initial hello, he made it a point to circle back - alone - to where my girl and I were sitting to head nod me.* Then, as he was leaving, he stopped by once again and told me he hopes to 'connect with me soon'.

Alrighty.

As I am driving home, I get a text asking if I'm in for the night. Yep...it was Los and his big mouth. I ignored it and went home and climbed into the bed. I got a few more messages but this one caught my attention: "You wanna go to the casino?"

Hells yes!

I love the casino and go so infrequently. I haven't been since I was visiting family last summer. Knowing better but lured by the rush that is gambling, I toss on jeans, a track jacket and sandals and meet him. We make the 20 minute drive to the casino. I wanted to take my car because I know where the weapons are...just in case.

Despite my losing $40 on the nickel slots, I had a good time in the casino. The dude definitely cracks me up. Methinks he was high though...he was a little scattered and hard to follow.

After he lost the last of his cash on the craps table, we head out. I'm driving him back to his car and we are talking about the sunrise and the mild weather.

Next thing ya know, he busts out:

"I am horny. I wanna masturbate. And I want you to watch."

First, I laugh. Hard. Then, taking a more sensitive approach, I respond "No. I don't know you like that."

I'll spare you the minute details, but we spent the next fifteen minutes negotiating. He was literally begging. He asked "What if I sat in the backseat and you didn't look at me? I just need you here." Then "Ok. Just show me a boob."

I was literally LMBAO when he whips out his Johnson and starts beating off. I cannot make this shit up!

Of course, I watched. His member was sizable and I was amazed that he was brazen enough to do this. It took him about five minutes and, being a gentleman, he made sure to jizz on his chest so as to not make a mess in my ride. I, being a lady, gave him a napkin so he could clean up.

At this point, we were at his car. He said good-bye and tried to kiss me on the cheek. I backed away and offered a hand shake. He told me he was impressed by the fact that I held my ground. I thank him for that.

I drive home and, before I could get the key in the door, I get a text that reads "I am turned on by you."

Mmmmkay.

Los and his big mouth are now filed under "Weirdo" in my phone. At least I got a story out of the deal.

To be honest, I'm more worried about the signals I am unwittingly sending out that pulls in these freaks. How can I channel this energy so that it benefits me?

*I wish men could be cool. If I were in a place with a date and I saw a dude that I was trying to mack, I would have played it off better, as would most women have.

So far, the cats are kicking man's ass!

Hand jive

I met a guy. It is important to note that said guy was attractive, intelligent and, most importantly, witty. Humor goes a long way with me.

We hit it off immediately. There was even a bit of sexual chemistry between us.

So, imagine my surprise upon learning that he was an impotent sexual pervert.

Strong language? Yes. An exaggeration? No.

At our first attempt at intimacy, this guy had a really hard time keeping his soldier at attention. If his hand wasn't in the mix, flapping his boy around, then things got a little "doughy" - not completely soft but not fully baked, either.

To top it off, he talked a lot. Dirty talk. Nasty, filthy stuff that I will explore in detail later. With no breaks.

In short, I spent the evening - which would have marked an end to a very long sex drought - watching him jack off and listening to him talk. Not my idea of a good time.

Being the mature 33 year old woman I've just become, I actually tried to sit down with the guy. Tell him how cool I thought he was. I mentioned my concerns about our 'sexual chemistry' and wondered what we could do to fix it. I was assured that things would change.

Well, things did change. When I next saw his penis, he wasn't whacking it in his apartment. No, instead he was beating it in his car, in front of my parent's house.

Needless to say, I have spent the last several days screening my calls.

Another one bites the dust.

Man = 0; cat = 123,590,211