Ghosts are stupid

Well, maybe men are. Or maybe it's just my male ghosts who are challenged?

Let me back up...

I am a modern day Ghostbuster...chasing down personal ghosts, zappin' 'em with my proton-pack, trying to exorcise them from my life.

Yup: I've been contacting men I've dated, well...men I've dated who've impacted me...to 'figure' some stuff out. There are four of them and, so far, I've hit up two (well, one was in town and hit me up. But I digress).

This one fool, TL, and, yes, I call him a fool and you shall see why, lives across the country. Is now married with two kids (I did NOT know this. Haven't spoken to him in six years). I looked him up on Linkedin and sent him an email TWO days ago. At first it was all good, nice and polite. Now I am getting emails asking me "Was being with me more than mere frivolity? Did I stir your soul? Are you thinking about the sexual heights we reached and are sorry you didn't explore more?"

NEGRO...I asked how old your kids were and if you had boys/girls or both! How did we get HERE?

He told me he couldn't ignore the green light to look into my soul. WTF?

Call me old fashioned, but I do not think these are appropriate questions for a married man to be asking. I said "hey...how have you been" and he sends me a sonnet. I ask him if his wunderlust has been cured-he used to speak of travel- and he replies "No, it hasn't and my answer has many meanings."

Get the fuck out of here.

This negro seems, at the very worse, primed to cheat, or, at the very least, shady as hell for spewing this kind of shit when he has a wife and two crumb snatchers at home. Maybe I am reading too much into it but I don't think I'd want MY husband telling some chick he proposed to TWICE that he wanted to look into her soul and asking her about sex.

So, yeah...I am getting a clear look into the man Mr. Lt. Commander has become and, frankly, am not feeling regret-ish about this one AT ALL.

I can't come up with a clever segue so I'm going to dive right into this next thing...

Over at Very Smart Brothas, folks are sitting in wet spots, reflecting on those lovers who had them so caught up that they lost their minds: freaking in their offices at work, steaming up windows in a parked cars behind $500,000 condos, getting busy in the Raw Bar's bathroom, touching pe-pes in public just to make sure it was still there and ready for you. Please know that I have not done any of these things. I just have an active imagination.

Thinking about being sprung makes me think about EJJ. One of my other ghosts. He happens to be in town. For five weeks. I told myself I was trying to do something different with my life. That I wasn't going to 'go there' with him. I was strong. I ignored the fact that he lost the weight he'd picked up the last time I saw him. I ignored all the new tattoos he'd gotten though they were hawt.

For 1.5 weeks there was a force field around me, making me immune to his segzy.

Sunday, though, was the day it came tumbling down.

We go to see his father's band play and, next thing you know, HE is on stage, playing keyboard (cutie plays 5 instruments) and singing about Jah Seed, Jah being the guiding light. All that good ish. I loves me some reggae. And I love a talented cutie.

I.was.done.

I was so done, I was making out on the street. If you knew me you'd know that I am not a PDA person so this by itself was shocking. What happened later was just down right derty. The car ride was, um, quite interesting. And hawt. I rolled home at 5 a.m., knowing I had to start work at 8:30. (Nevermind that work is done from my dining room table. I still had to get up and be alert).

Ain't no shame in this game.

But...this scares me. For real.

EJJ is on my top 1% list(y'all know what I'm talking about). If I lost my mind so quickly and so easily with him...I am terrified of confronting my other two ghosts.

WT now lives on the left coast so I seriously doubt I'll have an opportunity to bump uglies with him. But BJ? That fool haunts my regular haunts. He's been MIA for a while but he has a very bad habit of turning up JUST when I've erased him from my mind. I fear what will happen if we meet up, all Patron'd up.

Pray for my soul.

Today's score card: TL, representing for men=0, Cat = 123,590,213

Facing Ghosts

Most of us have ghosts we try to hide from. And not the haunt your house, makes curtains blow when the windows are closed type of ghosts. I am talking flesh and blood ghosts. Chances are said ghost is someone you've dated. It ended and, because you have issues, they - or the situation - haunts you to no end. Sometimes for years.

I have four of these ghosts: TL, WT, EJJ, BJ. For whatever reasons, these four men are men I continue to speak highly of but, for whatever reason, couldn't let myself go with them. TL proposed and, though, I thought he was great, I froze on his ass. WT was the bomb, albeit a tad jealous and crazy. I couldn't allow myself to really connect with him. With EJJ I felt totally comfortable. But he asked me to pack up and leave with him and I couldn't do it. Got myself a tatto that reads "Live for today" to remind me to overcome the fear that holds me back. I still don't listen to it. And BJ...well, I lied to him, told him I could never fall for him, etc. etc.

And here I stand. Well, sit. Because I am typing. But you know what I mean.

Lately, I've had this feeling that my ghosts were going to catch up with me. I can't explain it. But it's a mixture of deja vu and overwhelming fear. I don't like. So I decided to reach out to these ghosts, one by one. And beat them to the punch. I don't even know what beating them to the punch means, but I am going to try to do it.

So I contacted TJ. He's on the other side of the country. But, thanks to my good friend the Internet, I was able to find him and contact him. He even hit me back. So far our convo has been very polite. And I don't know what I want/need to say to him. I am just hoping that when the time is right, the words will come.

I am going out with EJJ tonight. He lives outside the country but happens to be in town for a few weeks. Again, not sure what I need to learn here but I am trying my best to pay attention.

2 ghosts down, 2 to go.

Rub a kitty's belly and wish me luck.

DeJa Vu

dé·jà vu:
(Pronounced dey-zhah voo, vyoo; Fr. dey-zha vy)

1. Psychology. the illusion of having previously experienced something actually being encountered for the first time.
2. disagreeable familiarity or sameness.
3. A hit song released in 1979 by singer Teena Marie, she of the blue-eyed soul fame.
4. A hit song released in 2006 by singer Beyonce, she of the "uh oh oh no" fame. Said song was curiously not about the feeling of deja vu at all.
5. What I am experiencing RIGHT now.

At exactly this time last year, I was groovin. I was 'dating' (I use the term loosely) an older guy, my young guy was in town for a few weeks and, then, I met a fairly decent, really good looking guy. Then the world crumbled around me, in so many ways. It would be too much work to detail everything here. But just know that I was on the top and then I hit bottom (the hitting bottom had nothing to do with either of these men but I'd be remiss if I did not accurately recall the exact chain of events).

What does this have to do with anything?

Well, I recently started 'dating' this slightly older guy (I use the term loosely). Last week, I get a call from my young guy...he's in town. Of course this freaked me out. It is literally, to the day, that I was in a very similar situation last year. If history is in fact repeating itself, I know what to expect in about a week and a half.

So I'm in hiding. Yup. I've drastically cut back on public appearances. Call me crazy if you want, but I am a HAUNTED person. I know this about myself: the ghosts of my past are always chasing me. I, for one, am sick of it. Yes. I am a punk. And I am okay with that.

Until this feeling of deja vu passes, I will only make late night appearances once a week. Sad because I will not be going to my favorite spot (going to the one across the street instead. Ha!). I'll spend my time at home, browsing the Humane Society website, looking at pics of kitties who need a good home and listening to this, on repeat:



**A note about the photo for this post: In the Matrix, Neo mentions that he saw a black cat walk by and then another one that looked just like it walked by soon after. Trinity told him that it was deja vu and that deja vu happens when there is a glitch in the matrix. Yes. I am a geek.**